Gazing Upward
  • Motherhood and Parenting
  • November5th

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    Sweet Maryn,

    It’s been a month full of milestones and discoveries! You now look up when you hear your name. You love blowing razzies and cooing, especially when you first wake up.  You had your first laugh on October 8th, and we can’t get enough of it! You are a pretty quiet baby…lots of smiles but not much noise. So we really have to work to get your giggles.

    When you do decide to make some noise, you can let out some loud squeals!

    Everyone loves to comment on your chubby little cheeks.  The most common remark we get from strangers is that you look like a living doll with your fair skin and chubby rosy cheeks.

    We stood before our church on November 4th, dedicated you to the Lord, and made some very important promises that we’ll explain to you one day.

    You don’t mind your carseat so much anymore. But after a while of hanging out in it for carpools and such, you like to move around. You’ve started rolling over, mostly from back to front. Although the first time you rolled, it was from front to back.

    We bundled you up for a few of Carter and Grace’s soccer games, but the evenings became a little too chilly for such a little baby. We’ll try out your cheerleading skills next year.

    Your favorite toys are Sophie the Giraffe and the colorful toy below.

    And you’ve also discovered the entertainment of the exersaucer!

    This month, we discovered that you have milk and soy allergies, so I’ve cut those ingredients out of my diet since I’m nursing you. But you’re worth the sacrifices little one. You bring so much joy to our family. Happy 5 months! We love you Ryn Ryn!

    Love, Mommy

  • August9th

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    We’re moving full speed ahead into the school year! Caroline had registration and preview day at the middle school last week.  The 6th graders all got their lockers and were able to decorate them.  And whoa, how locker “decor” has changed since I was in middle school! Many of the students had wallpaper and mini shag rugs for make their little space their own. And did you know you can now buy battery-operated chandeliers and pendant lamps for your locker?? Yes, I’m serious. Just check out PBTeen.

    Caroline won’t actually start school until the 20th, and Grace’s first day is after Labor Day. But my big boy started 4k at his new school this past Tuesday!

    We had gone to meet his teacher the day before, and Carter was so nervous and shy. It was so hard and emotional for me to see him so vulnerable because I was a shy kid as well and still vividly remember the anxiety of new places and experiences without my mom by my side.  However, he had the best first day of school! And he was so disappointed yesterday to find out that he wouldn’t go back to school untli Monday. (He goes MTW.)

    This month is a little overwhelming to me, mainly because each child’s school and activities start at different times. If I don’t consult my planner, I have no clue where we’re supposed to be or what we’re supposed to be doing!  I do much better with a routine, so I predict I’ll be in a better frame of mind once the dust settles and the daily schedule is set.

    I am sure there are a lot of moms out there who will agree with me that it’s TIME for school to start back.  Everyone is bored, camps are completed for the summer, and the bickering and whining are nonstop in my household.  The changes of a new baby have finally hit home (pun intended) with Carter and Grace, and the resulting behavior has left me exhausted and drained of patience. From regression in potty training to holes in walls and drapes being pulled down, the kids are making sure they’re getting my attention. Grace seems to be having a tough time. I know she needs more reassurance and attention from me, but I also can’t completely disregard her disobedience and disrepect.  It’s a challenging line to walk. I wish I weren’t so irritable and impatient with them.  I’m hopeful that all of our dispositions will improve soon!

  • June24th


    Highlights from Maryn’s first 2 1/2 weeks….

    Sam (Scott’s Dad) meets Maryn

    In GramMe’s (Scott’s mom’s) arms

    Cuddling with Aunt JuJu (Scott’s sister, Julie)

    Meeting Aunt CoCo (my sister, Courtney) and GrandMary (my mom)…My dad (Papa) will meet his newest granddaughter next weekend, and he can hardly stand the wait!

    Uncle Ivan and Aunt CoCo

    Heading home from the hospital on Thursday, June 7th

    First day home…snoozing in the bassinet

    Even her newborn clothes were huge on her!

    Carter colored this picture for Maryn and placed it in her crib. Both little ones have loved making artwork and wrapping gifts (aka, toys and other items they aren’t using) for their baby sister. Carter actually came out of their closet with a pair of Grace’s dress up shoes and said, “You don’t wear these anymore, do you Grace?”

    Daddy and Maryn at one week old

    Proud big brother

    On Saturday, June 16th, Maryn’s actual due date, we had family/newborn photos done by my friend and incredibly talented photographer, Heather Knowles.  Here are a couple of images she emailed, and I’ll post some more once I get the disc with all the pictures. You can also see a sneak peek collage on Heather’s website/blog.  She also got a much better picture of the nursery than what I took a few weeks ago. (And by the way, thanks to you sweet readers who pinned the nursery pics on Pinterest! When I found out, I was giddy at the idea of anyone thinking it pinterest-worthy. :))

    I love that Heather captured this moment below…the littles can’t get enough of kissing their baby sister.

    And I love Maryn’s sweet expression and her crossed hands in this photo. Have I mentioned I’m in love?

    After pictures, Maryn met her Uncle Stuart (Scott’ twin) and Aunt Noelle.

    At her 2-week checkup, Maryn had gained 11 ounces and grew 1/2″! She may have little bird legs, but the frequent “snacking” is putting on the weight somewhere!

     So at 7 lb 14 oz and 21.5″ long, Maryn is 90% in length and 50% in weight.

    In the picture below, she is 2 1/2 weeks…and she is already looking less like a newborn and more like a growing baby. We’re treasuring these sweet days!

  • June20th


    Scott was correct when he predicted that we were having a baby girl.  His reasoning was that only a girl could create so much drama surrounding her arrival. And my last trimester was certainly filled with its share of drama. From echocardiograms and heart med, to walking pnemonia and low iron, my body was giving me a pretty difficult time.  And then came the news that my blood platelet count was low…too low to have an epidural during delivery. (Low platelets mean inability to clot, leading to hemorraging risks.)

    If you read my post a few weeks ago, or saw my plea for help on Facebook, you know what sort of panic I was in.  Natural childbirth had always been intriging to me. But given I was already having some breathing troubles, and knowing I’d be coming home from the hospital to the demands of four children, I thought a painless delivery seemed like the most logical option.

    To my surprise, through advice and information from others, and through reading a couple of books on the Bradley method of natural childbirth, I learned that recovery is typically much faster and easier after a natural labor.  I embraced the challenge before me  and educated myself on how to handle labor contractions, delivery, and everything involved in the process. I called my friend, Melissa, who is a doula, and she promised me she’d be there if she could (she has a 3 month old she’s nursing plus her mom was having back surgery the week before my due date, so she couldn’t make a definite commitment.)  I hired Melissa’s doula, Kelly Denson, and gradually became excited about the whole idea.  After all, hadn’t millions of women before me endured this natural and miraculous process?  My only catch was that I absolutely did not want to be induced because enough people had shared the horrors of a pitocin-induced natural labor.

    Well, on Monday, June 4th at 4:30 pm, my doctor called and confirmed my suspicions (yes, I actually self-diagnosed myself 3 weeks prior so the internet doesn’t always lead you to crazy conclusions).  The lab results showed that I had obstetric cholestasis which can cause various complications for the baby, including stillbirth.  In fact, most women with this condition (and it’s about 1 in 1,000) are medically induced as soon as the baby’s lungs are mature enough (36-37 weeks).  My doctor first suggested that I come in the next morning for a specialized ultrasound.  But after consulting a specialist, he called back and said we needed to deliver the baby the next morning.  I hadn’t felt the baby move much that day, so I was thankful we would soon be able to get him/her out of my toxic body.  But I have to admit, the idea of laboring with pitocin was causing me some panic.  Ironically, my doctor informed me that the lab results showed a huge increase in my platelets…certainly high enough for an epidural.  However, at this point, I had worked too hard and psyched myself up too much to give up on natural delivery.

    At 6 am on Tuesday morning, Scott and I arrived at the hospital.  And in keeping with the dramatic flair of the previous three months, we had a bit of a scare.  As the nurse hooked me up to the monitors, she was unable to find our baby’s heartbeat. For well over a minute.  Scott and I glanced at each other and smiled weakly.  After the nurse calmly asked if the baby had been high or low, to the right or to the left, and still couldn’t locate the heartbeat, we connected eyes again. And I could see the panic in Scott’s face.  We had been through this scenario before at a 10-week check up for the very first baby we lost.  And with the reality and devastation of stillbirth still fresh on our hearts from my friend’s loss of her baby girl at 35 weeks pregnant this past February, I was about ten seconds from breaking out into hysterics.  All I kept thinking was that we were too late and we’d lost our baby overnight.

    The nurse was finally able to locate the baby’s heartbeat, and relief flooded my entire body.  By 7 am, I was hooked up to an IV with fluids and pitocin.  They graciously started me off slowly on the pitocin so my body could adjust accordingly.  Sometimes women’s labor is sped up with a jumpstart of that evil inducer which brings on intense contractions before your body’s pain threshold can rise to the occasion.

    My doula, Kelly, arrived a little bit later. As you can see in this picture, I chose to labor in my own clothes (tank top and a cotton skirt) so I could move around the room and change positions without flashing my backside to everyone in the room. (Although, I ended up doing that very thing hours later when I first began pushing. 🙂 )

    As you can see by the clock, I was still smiling after almost three hours of pitocin. I was still only 4 cm, 60% effaced, and -2 station.  The contractions were pretty regular, but I wasn’t yet in “active labor.”  I wasn’t even uncomfortable. I was just impatient.  My doctor wanted to break my water to get things moving more quickly, but I had been warned that contractions can really intensify once the water is gone. That sac of water acts as a cushion, and I was determined to make my labor as positive an experience as possible.  I asked if I could have until lunchtime to see if my water would break on its own.

    When learning about the Bradley method of natural childbirth, you read about the different emotional signposts that indicate where a woman is in labor.  This picture is a great example of the first signpost where I’m still smiling, chatty, and excited.

    Sometime around 11:00, the contractions became stronger and I transitioned to the second emotional signpost where you become focused and serious.  I changed positions to see what made the contractions more manageable.  For some, I sat on the birthing ball. For many of them, I stood and rocked back and forth or leaned forward onto the bed. And for some, I lay on my side. Once the contractions became more difficult, I focused on the lyrics of the songs playing from my computer. We had started off with Adam Wright and Act of Congress. Then we had Christy Nockels playing on repeat for the rest of the time.  Her voice is so soothing! Even now, when I’m listening to her songs, I can recall which lyrics I was focusing on during contractions.  I guess the songs off her latest album will forever be connected in my mind to Maryn’s birth!

    What made the discomfort endurable was the thought that I would soon get a break.  I knew if I could make it through the next 45 seconds, I would have a few minutes of relief.  As one friend advised me, I just took it one contraction at a time, not thinking ahead but simply about making it through one at a time. This was a tremendous help!

    Dr. Johnson came in around 11:40 to check my progress. By now, my contractions were manageable but strong enough that I was VERY nervous about having my water broken and the pain getting worse when I was still so far from 10 cm.   Or so I thought.  We were all thrilled to find that I was dilated to 6 cm, 90% effaced, and the baby was at station zero!  My doctor felt I was moving along on my own and allowed me to continue laboring without intervention. I got back on my feet after being checked. The picture below was taken at 12:10 pm, just 45 minutes before our baby was born. Scott was so attentive and encouraging throughout the morning.

    At 12:25 pm, I was standing and leaning over on the bed during a contraction when I felt a lot of pressure and my water suddenly broke.  It startled all of us because this was no slow trickle… it was a pretty big splash! But we all laughed and cheered that my body was naturally responding and progressing. At this point, I got in the bed and laid on my side for a few more contractions.  These contractions were the worst ones…I remember saying aloud, “This really hurts!” But I never screamed. I never cried.  I’m not even sure if I’d say it was the worst pain I’ve ever been in.  The thought of asking for an epidural never crossed my mind.  Through each contraction, my wonderful team of husband, doulas, and nurse would help me by massaging or applying pressure to my back, whispering encouraging words, and pulling my hair back.  I also remember though that they were encouraging me to moan or make noise to help endure the pain. I had been so adamant that I wouldn’t make any kind of noise…how embarrassing would that be! But I definitely “hummed” my way through a few of those last contractions! 🙂

    In order to move the baby down into the birth canal with the help of gravity, Kelly and Melissa suggested that I lean over back of bed while on my knees.  This was the first time I broke a sweat. If you look at the time of the clock, this point was 8 minutes before Maryn was born! After a couple of intense contractions, I suddenly felt my body give a powerful and involuntary push. It’s amazing to me that your body naturally knows what to do and kind of takes over! The nurse checked me, and I had reached completion (10 cm dilated).

    I pushed a few more times and then flipped over onto my back.  The nurse asked for the observing nursing student to call my doctor and let him know I was pushing but that he didn’t have to come yet. Well, about a minute later, the baby’s head crowned! The most painful and difficult part of my whole labor was not being able to push while we were waiting for my doctor to arrive.  Kelly and Melissa kept telling me to blow on their finger as if I were blowing out a birthday candle, but all I wanted to do was push the baby out.  (I actually have a picture of Kelly holding out her finger and telling me to blow rather than push, and Scott is looking at her as if to say, “Good luck with that!” Can’t post pic here though… all modesty was gone at that point!)

    Dr. Johnson finally arrived, and with a couple more pushes, our baby entered the world at 12:55 pm! I can honestly say that this part of delivery was not painful.  The bottom half of your body naturally numbs itself, so you don’t feel anything except relief from the pushing.

    Scott announced it was a baby girl, and they immediately placed her on my chest.  While my gut instinct had been that we were having a girl, I was still a bit shocked.  Those first moments of holding our new daughter were so surreal.  It took me a few minutes to realize that I was done with labor and had actually delivered our baby!  If you’d asked me that morning how long I thought my labor would be based on my slow progess, I would have guessed late afternoon. Amazingly, it was only 30 minutes from the time my water broke at 6 or 7 cm to the delivery of our little miracle. Within 6 hours of induction (and only 3 hours of active labor), Maryn Elizabeth was here!   Our baby was safe and in our arms, and it is a vivid memory I’ll treasure forever.

    While natural delivery was hard work, it was one of the  most incredible experiences of my life.  I had such clarity through it all versus my delivery of Carter when I was so drugged (had been given pitocin, ambien, blood pressure  med, epidural, etc.) that I barely remember that experience.  With this labor, Scott was more involved and so it felt more like teamwork.  I was amazed by the power and strength of my body and its abilty to instinctively know how to respond.  Praying and meditating on song lyrics throughout the difficult moments made me feel close and connected to God…in my vulnerabiltiy, I felt His presence.

    We were so thankful that my doctor, who attends church with us and has taken such great care of me over the years through my miscarriages, took my suspicions about having cholestasis seriously and followed through to make the diagnosis.  We were also grateful that he allowed me to labor as I wished rather than intervening more than necessary, as long as the baby was in stable condition during the process.

    Maryn was a pretty good size considering she was 11 days early. She even measured 1/4″ longer than Carter and he was born just 6 days early!

    Our beautiful baby girl….

    …and her proud daddy.

    We let the kids come in from the waiting room first to meet their new sibling. When they came into our room, we shared the news that they had a baby sister!  Carter’s first response as he climbed up on my bed was, “Mommy, I thought we were having a boy.”  He had a few moments of being sad and stating that he wanted it to be “two girls and two boys.”  (On a funny note, Scott asked Grace the next day if it was cool to have a little sister. Carter interjected with, “It’s NOT cool to have three sisters.”)

    But as you can see from the pictures, he was also very excited and eager to love on the baby. And he probably dotes on Maryn the most at home.  While he has sinced asked why God made the baby a girl, he tells us every day that he loves the baby.

    We had feared that Grace would really struggle with her mommy holding a baby all the time, but she has done incredibly well with the transition. She loves to bop into the room, kiss the baby’s head, and talk baby-talk to Maryn.  This morning, she said in her high-pitched little voice, “Oh you’re so cute! Yes you are! Don’t cry…your Mommy is here. She’s right here baby Maryn.”  PRECIOUS! She also loves to hand me baby wipes while I change diapers.  We are so proud of her!

    Right after delivery, I changed out of my clothes (which were a bit of a mess by then) and into a  hospital gown. Carter was a little confused why my belly was still a little big. 🙂 But they have loved being able to get back into my lap to read books and be held.

    Caroline has been so sweet and adores holding Maryn. At the hospital, the kids watched the nurse bathe their baby sister, and Caroline got to slather on the lotion.  She loves to be hands on! Maryn did have a little trouble maintaining her temperature that afternoon, so she had to lay under this heating lamp for an hour or so.

    When the kids ran back out to the waiting room to share the sex of the baby with the rest of our waiting family, they exclaimed, “Mommy had a baby!!” To which everyone laughed and said, “We know, but is it a boy or a girl??”

    My mom, who began driving from North Carolina early that morning, arrived just a few hours after Maryn’s birth.

    I’ve been sentimental thinking back to June 5th. It was such a special experience that I want to do it all over again. Melissa (pictured here) and Kelly were so helpful in assisting me through labor.  During the painful contractions following my water breaking, they knew that the baby would be arriving very soon, and their knowledge of the process and timeline gave me renewed strength to keep going because my baby would soon be born.  Melissa actually wrote her version of my birth story and posted on her blog…you can read it here.  It was fun to compare stories!

    The miracle of our daughter’s life has not been lost on me.  After losing six babies, I wasn’t sure we’d ever have the experience of childbirth again, so I have a more heightened sense of awe and gratitude this time.  And given the medical issues at the end of my pregnancy and the grief that a couple of my friends have been facing, I had to come to grips with the fact that I wasn’t guaranteed anything.  These thoughts might sound cliche, but the reality of it all has touched me to the core.  Thank you to all of you who have invested in me and our family through this journey of building and expanding our family! Your prayers were felt, your advice was heard, and your kind words treasured.

    More pictures and stories of the first days to come, but for now, I’m off to cuddle with my baby!

  • June17th

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    With Maryn being born June 5th and my desire to keep time at a standstill so I can ever-enjoy this newborn stage, I’ve neglected to recognize that we’re moving into the second half of June. How does that happen?? Anyway, I almost panicked yesterday when I realized that my monthly post for the China adoption resource site, No Hands But Ours, was due today!

    I’ve pasted the post below, but you can also read it here if you’re interested in reading other posts about adopting special needs children from China.

    And I’m almost done writing a post on Maryn’s birth story and how natural childbirth became one of the most memorable experiences of my life…stay tuned. 🙂

    The last twelve days have been filled with joy, awe, gratitude, and love as our family welcomed its sixth member, baby Maryn. We haven’t even reached a year since Caroline’s “Gotcha Day” and another little one has joined our family! Four kids in four years. A friend recently joked that it isn’t a requirement to add a child each year in order to send out Christmas cards.

    We had only been home from China three months last fall when I discovered with surprise, delight, and a little panic that I was pregnant. I worried how all my kids would react, particularly my adopted daughters. I was overjoyed to learn that all three of our kids were super excited and eager for a baby sibling.

    Grace (my 3-year-old) and I had some interesting conversations throughout my pregnancy. She would often say, “Carter comes from the hospital, and I was born in China! Right, Mommy?” And one time she asked, “Did you and Daddy come to China to get me in your belly?” I had to explain she grew in her China mommy’s belly and that we went to China to pick her up later. The conversations haven’t gone much deeper yet, but I know hard questions will eventually come as she digests and fully comprehends her background and her story.

    Caroline, my 13-year-old, loves to help and be hands-on with the baby. I had anticipated this. What I hadn’t expected was her lack of knowledge about newborn care and precautions. I had forgotten that she had been the only child in a foster family for seven years prior to her adoption, so she hadn’t really been around any newborns. In one of several scary and disconcerting incidents, my helper took off running to hide from the two little ones coming down the hallway…WHILE CARRYING THE BABY! I think this was the first time I ever yelled at Caroline, but I panicked when I saw Maryn’s fragile little body flopping at high speed across the room.

    After a few incidents, I found myself very irritated, wondering how and why my teenager was making such poor decisions. And then I remembered…. a sense of consequences, perception of cause and effect, linear thinking, are concepts many adopted kids lack and have not yet developed. Hence why Caroline hopped on a bike last summer for the first time and thought she could ride it down a hill. As you’ve probably concluded, the situation didn’t end well. She crashed into a fence and got pretty scraped up. Adopted kids typically don’t have a sense of danger, and this mixed with impulsiveness can be a recipe for disaster.

    The key to handling this “special need” that often goes unmentioned? Patience. While my first thought was, “How does she not know better than to jerk a newborn around,” my eventual response was to extend Caroline grace and gently instruct her on some basics of newborn care. I had to remind myself that she wasn’t trying to be annoying by clapping loudly in the (sleeping) baby’s face…she was trying to find a way to engage. And she wasn’t purposely being careless when she swiftly swung her baby sister back and forth in one arm…she was trying to be a fun big sister. (After all, Grace and Carter love to be tossed and swung about.) I had to review my expectations through a filter of adoption knowledge in order to have the right perspective and the right approach to my daughter’s behavior.

    If you’re adopting an older child, be prepared for the unexpected in regards to behavior. It’s easy to think your child will have age-appropriate knowledge of manners, or social cues, or safety precautions. It’s also easy to become frustrated, perturbed, and even disappointed when your child falls short in one of these areas. Just remember that adopted kids have such limited life experience, particularly if the orphanage was their only home, that they never learned the lessons that are second nature to others. Lessons we tend to assume have already been learned. I believe this delay can be as much a special need as a medical issue, and it’s often overlooked when preparing parents for post-adoption challenges.

    My eldest child may not know all the ins and outs of newborn safety and care. But part of my role is to teach her these things. I’m learning to anticipate situations in which Caroline may be unfamiliar. What I do know is that she truly loves her baby sister and desires to help her momma. And lovingkindness and service are two traits that are much tougher to cultivate. As our family has grown, I believe Caroline has as well. Again, I feel overwhelmed with awe and gratitude.