Gazing Upward



Glory baby, you slipped away as fast as we could say “baby.”

“Glory Baby” by Watermark

It seems surreal. Like the last week was just a dream and not reality. Just days ago, Scott and I were excitedly planning for the addition of another baby to our family. A sibling for Carter. Then as quickly as we began rejoicing in the news, we found ourselves mourning the loss of this little life.
This loss happened much earlier than our other two losses. Maybe that makes it easier. I don’t know. Will we still meet this baby in heaven? Or was it too early to develop?
I always thought another miscarriage would be less devastating now that we have a child. But, in some ways, it’s even more heartbreaking. I have found myself thinking thoughts like, was that our little girl? Or would this little boy have been best friends with his big brother? Would he have Carter’s blue eyes or our hazel ones? Which characteristics of family members would this baby have?
While I am not mad at God, I do feel frustrated. Frustrated that this happened right before Christmas. Carter’s first Christmas. Frustrated that on Christmas Day, there will be a lingering thought that we were supposed to surprise our families with the news that afternoon. Frustrated to add another date to a list of days that will forever bring a sense of loss each year. Frustrated that the next pregnancy (God willing), we won’t have the same carefree joy and giddiness that we just felt, similar to our very first pregnancy, where bad news is unexpected. Next time, we’ll be happy but also guarded. Fearful to embrace the baby fully with unabandoned joy until weeks later.
I just don’t understand. I know miscarriages are so common, but three? Is there something wrong with my body? Has anyone out there had the same experience and discovered the cause?
I am so grateful that we have Carter, as I know there are women who are never able to conceive at all. At the same time, it’s hard to suppress my desire for more children. It’s heartbreaking to not be able to give my husband the gift of another child that he yearns for. And it’s difficult, if not impossible, to fight off the pain of losing yet another baby. Even though I had that life for just a brief time, I am left feeling empty. Like a small piece of me is missing.
I am sad. But I am hopeful for another miracle baby. I pray that God will quickly heal me, and Scott, both physically and emotionally. I pray that His peace will replace my fears. I pray that my attention will once again turn to the Baby that we are celebrating this season. And all of you who yearn for a child, whether it be your first or your fifth, I join you in praying for a miraculous 2009.

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  • Comment by Anna — December 18, 2008 @ 6:33 pm

    Kelley, I’m praying for you. -Anna

  • Comment by Lindsey — December 18, 2008 @ 8:02 pm

    Tears filled my eyes as I read this. The whole Brown family will definitely be in my prayers this holiday season.

  • Comment by Susan — December 18, 2008 @ 8:25 pm

    I love you, Kelley! I am amazed at how gifted you are at expressing your feelings! Kaitlyn and I said a prayer for you this morning!

  • Comment by Prentices — December 18, 2008 @ 9:31 pm

    Kel, I hope today is a better day. Carter, give your mommy a big, tight hug!love you!

  • Comment by Courtney — December 18, 2008 @ 10:18 pm

    Oh Kelly, my heart is breaking for you today. As one of my best friends is going through the same thing…I continue to ask myself, “Why God, when these chidren will be so loved and they are so wanted?” As I pray Psalm 113 for her I will for you as well. May the Lord make your heart content and may you continue to Praise His name even in these times we do not understand.

  • Comment by Courtney — December 19, 2008 @ 8:32 pm

    Our hearts and prayers are with you…though we grieve another loss, we rejoice in the precious baby boy that has brought so much happiness to our family. With God’s grace and timing, we pray that he will soon have the little brother or sister that is so desired. We love you!Aunt CoCo and Uncle Ivan

  • Comment by Sarah Armstrong — December 20, 2008 @ 3:44 am

    Oh Kelley, I didn’t know this until now. Reading this post brings back some difficult thoughts and emotions…I am SO, SO, sorry you are going through this yet again. We will lift you in prayer as the next days and weeks pass and you live through this tough time. And just my opinions here – but no matter how early this happens it is no easier than other times, and yes, I do believe this sweet one is in heaven and you’ll meet him/her one day.

  • Comment by JJ — December 20, 2008 @ 9:04 pm

    Kelley ~ Hayley told me and I am grieving with you.We are praying for your peace! Love you.

  • Comment by Paige — December 24, 2008 @ 7:03 am

    I can’t imagine the pain you are feeling, but I know our Heavenly Father can. He is holding you as you cry and singing over you. May you know that you are being prayed for.

  • Comment by Jeremy and Michelle — December 25, 2008 @ 4:23 pm

    no words of wisdom – just know that I am praying for you as are obviously so many others – I pray you feel His power and are healed in every area!

  • Comment by The Hoppers — December 25, 2008 @ 9:04 pm

    My heart goes out to you and Scott…we are praying. Love you!

  • Comment by kristen elaine — December 29, 2008 @ 7:03 pm

    kelley – i am so sorry! i'm praying for you! Brian & I hope to see you & Scott at church soon – we are planning to come to Fusion:)

  • Comment by Dana and Chris Sheheane — January 1, 2009 @ 4:10 am

    Chris and I are praying continually. We are always so encouraged by you through the good and hard times. Thank you for being so transparent b/c you know God will use you in others’ lives. You are awesome! We are praying for God’s timing and blessings on you, Scott and Carter. love ya!

  • Comment by The Thrashers — January 4, 2009 @ 5:13 am

    Kelley~ So sorry to hear about your loss. Please know we are praying for you!

  • Comment by Abby Euten — January 8, 2009 @ 5:04 am

    Kelley, I am truly sorry and will of course pray for the three of you. I don’t know much about the reasons or causes, but I have a cousin who had multiple miscarriages. They tried for YEARS. Finally, they found out her progesterone? levels were low. They now have 3 beautiful girls. I wish I had greater words of wisdom.

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