Gazing Upward

December18th

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Glory baby, you slipped away as fast as we could say “baby.”

“Glory Baby” by Watermark

It seems surreal. Like the last week was just a dream and not reality. Just days ago, Scott and I were excitedly planning for the addition of another baby to our family. A sibling for Carter. Then as quickly as we began rejoicing in the news, we found ourselves mourning the loss of this little life.
This loss happened much earlier than our other two losses. Maybe that makes it easier. I don’t know. Will we still meet this baby in heaven? Or was it too early to develop?
I always thought another miscarriage would be less devastating now that we have a child. But, in some ways, it’s even more heartbreaking. I have found myself thinking thoughts like, was that our little girl? Or would this little boy have been best friends with his big brother? Would he have Carter’s blue eyes or our hazel ones? Which characteristics of family members would this baby have?
While I am not mad at God, I do feel frustrated. Frustrated that this happened right before Christmas. Carter’s first Christmas. Frustrated that on Christmas Day, there will be a lingering thought that we were supposed to surprise our families with the news that afternoon. Frustrated to add another date to a list of days that will forever bring a sense of loss each year. Frustrated that the next pregnancy (God willing), we won’t have the same carefree joy and giddiness that we just felt, similar to our very first pregnancy, where bad news is unexpected. Next time, we’ll be happy but also guarded. Fearful to embrace the baby fully with unabandoned joy until weeks later.
I just don’t understand. I know miscarriages are so common, but three? Is there something wrong with my body? Has anyone out there had the same experience and discovered the cause?
I am so grateful that we have Carter, as I know there are women who are never able to conceive at all. At the same time, it’s hard to suppress my desire for more children. It’s heartbreaking to not be able to give my husband the gift of another child that he yearns for. And it’s difficult, if not impossible, to fight off the pain of losing yet another baby. Even though I had that life for just a brief time, I am left feeling empty. Like a small piece of me is missing.
I am sad. But I am hopeful for another miracle baby. I pray that God will quickly heal me, and Scott, both physically and emotionally. I pray that His peace will replace my fears. I pray that my attention will once again turn to the Baby that we are celebrating this season. And all of you who yearn for a child, whether it be your first or your fifth, I join you in praying for a miraculous 2009.
Blessings,
Kelley

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